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Silence
For such a chatter-box like me this challenge sounded extreme, nonetheless, the challenge was not really the silence. The difficulty was meditating continuously for so many hours following my breath. Something that sounds so simple can become such a difficult task after 5 min. You can imagine what it was then to do it for 540 minutes!
I've told my 10 day inner self adventure over 10 times already so next person that asks will be referred to this blog to find out how it went. I'll be quiet and point to the link.
Herculean effort
In short, it was the hardest experience that I have ever had, ever! Harder that pushing babies out. That was a mere 6 hours max, this was over 90 hours, continuously, so I learned, lets say, the hard way, meditation boot camp. The rest of the time all I could do is eat, and sleep like a log. I was physically and mentally exhausted. It was also one of the experiences that I've had afforded me the most clarity. Through this hard work I learned a lot about myself.
I learned...
determination, paternal legacy
... that I can be disciplined, when I decide on something and I have a purpose. I found that I have a real strong determination. I liked learning this, in case I ever need to use it. I was reminded of my dad and how he answered when I asked, what can I do to make some money? He said: "It is actually very simple: you go to sleep thinking about money and you wake up thinking about money" In other words, if you have the discipline and a clear purpose you can accomplish anything you want. I do not know why I need a guru to remind me of this. Actually, he didn't need to remind me but point me in the right direction to experience it.. I learned from my personal experience that, I was able to achieve something that I thought impossible through discipline and determination.
motherly and grandmotherly inspiration
… that I have almost an infinite inspiration to draw from with my family. I thought so much of my grandmother, how she prays her daily rosary methodically and asks for blessings for all of us. This has got to have created one of the strongest shields anyone can have against any enemy. Her discipline and faith were a stronghold during hard times.
Full moon at Inspiration Point, Berkeley, CA
… that I am addicted to new adventures and strangely unattached. Aways I look for something new I haven't done or experienced. I like to learn and play. When a piece of chewing gum looses its flavor I look for another one. Good or bad, that seems to be a pattern with me with activities (boyfriends too?)
Mami, my favorite gardener
… that I couldn't be more thankful to my mother, who cultivated a spirit in me of always looking inwards. The understanding that everything changes and that your attitude in life is what makes a difference, has solidly paved my way. This philosophy in life has given me a constant source of peace.
family ultra-happiness
… that happiness is grown, that it soothes and lightens up any baggage, and that because of this, humor is essential. I laughed a lot - actually, I had to swallow my laughter with silence- just watching the characters that attended the retreat and their nuances. And the teacher Goenka with his humorous speeches, was hilarious, acknowledging our new student skepticism when we are to follow this absurd method and rules, that by the way, ended up being of great use for me. I am glad I could laugh at my suffering.
my youngest disciples
… that I can train my mind to be a better person, happier than I already am, more productive, equanimous, and better mother, with countless ideas to pass on to my kids and grandkids. The gift of being able to understand yourself is priceless, it can be cultivated and shared.
leaving church
… that I don't care that I didn't formally teach my kids any religion. With my example I have taught them to make good choices and give themselves the respect they deserve and to be compassionate with others.
Rennea at 24 is not the same than Rennea at 50
… that I can leave behind all the dresses that don't fit me anymore, because the Rennea of 30 is not the same person than the Rennea of 50, and that I can have the luxury of buying new clothes and even change my style if I want to.
Didi training her little mind
... that sleepiness, mental jumpiness, anger, pleasure and doubt, can be trained to be under your command and not the other way around.
Rennea can't stop singing
… that I can't spend 10 days without singing. At night, looking at the stars in my uncovered tent I sang very quietly, and did indeed use my voice for it. Well, I could have avoided this but I gave myself permission to act illegally, becoming a mischievous meditator.
a little devil? no!
… that sometimes when I meditate, sexual pleasure comes into my mind more that I care to admit. Too much. Like a good girl raised in nun's school for 13 years this is horrible. Lucifer wins and my angel judges me bitterly.
My Buddha, on the other hand, does not judge me at all for this. Just observe and pass.
What do I choose? Obviously Buddha. Why give myself such a hard time?
My Buddha, on the other hand, does not judge me at all for this. Just observe and pass.
What do I choose? Obviously Buddha. Why give myself such a hard time?
There is much more to my story but this is the end for now.
