Drowning Feeling
Imagine that you have never swam before, and you decide to take some swimming lessons.
To your surprise, the first classes are purely theory. They tell you how to move your arms. It seems simple. Then they place you in horizontal position and ask you to kick with your feet. Kick, kick, kick! Breathing is a little harder, but after practicing a bit breathing through your mouth you get used to it. Ready. They throw you into the water. What happens?
You begin to drown, of course. You swallow quite some amount water, the first, the second, AND the third time.
To know the theory doesn't mean you can actually practice it at once. Surprise!
That is the way I felt on my first silent retreat, just one year ago: gasping for air and frazzled.
After practicing for 10 days I felt I could stay afloat, which for me, in meditation would be staying over an hour without moving, still. This is not what meditation is, but for me staying still is my concept that I'm advancing.
On my second Vipassana course in 2013, would equivalent to a second swimming lesson. This year I arrived ready because beforehand I had meditated at home for months between 30 to 60 minutes a day. Same thing. As if I was on a second lesson, I didn't drown (which is progress) but I didn't know how to swim well yet. The fact is that I suffered a lot, again, and I wasn't expecting that.
I'm still confident that I can relax a little more and not suffer so much!… I'll give it a third chance next year.
Rennea, the Martyr
If this is so hard, why the torture?
Good question. Perhaps I'm a martyr : )
The thing is that, the first time I went I did it out of curiosity, because I'm convinced that focusing your mind and sharpen your senses has a lot of practical benefits in my life. After reading
Buddha's Brain I said… "I'm going to try meditation, which I have never made an effort to learn" Do you remember Mami? when my dad didn't allow me to take the classes with you and learn with the Guru Maharaji? Later on I lost interest.
My goal is not to walk over hot charcoal or to shove a dagger through my stomach without pain… although that would be a wonderful addition to my Sunday House Concerts : ) But I would love to know myself better, live happy or even happier and eventually be canonized : )
In the Flesh
The surprise was the way the experiences happened. Neither these words, nor my story will be able to convey the visceral aspect of my learning. To learn in the flesh has nothing to do with learning intellectually. To know in theory how to swim, ride a bike, do snowboard or dance tango is far away from actually doing it. It helps to know the basic but what you really need is the physical experience to integrate all of it. Once the learning gets into your body then you don't think about it. You don't have to remember the theory, you even forget it. You know it because you know it.
That is the way the meditation technique works. You learn through your physical experience on how to remain equanimous and this learning gets manifested through the rest of your actions.
Whaaaat? Sounds like a joke…. I'm a skeptic, but there were a series of things that bloomed, manifested themselves and I learned a few lessons from this, literally In The Flesh.
Five Stars
So in that way, meditating, I learned what I already know intellectually: I am an egocentric person… a little egocentric, somewhat egocentric, very egocentric, highly egocentric.
Yes, I went through all the levels until I got the Five Stars for my very engrained egocentrism.
The magnificence of this is that I saw it face to face. I saw it and confronted the good and the bad without judgement- it not being a sickness or a virtue- . I said to it "Hello!" and I said that I didn't want it to too big or too small. That we could be friends as long as there was balance. This experience made me feel that, at all times, I need to be aware of and keep on check, the relationship with my ego.
Short Biography of my Egocentric Self
The Benefits
I was born privileged, welcomed like an angel fallen from Heaven. First born child and grandchild of two sets of loving grandparents that awaited me with great enthusiasm. Uncles, aunts and family ready to welcome me. I was loved and adored. Best little dresses, real silverware, features in the Caracas social pages. "How cute my little blondie, very intelligent!" All this praise was my everyday experience for 20 years: "Look how smart she is! Look how she likes to read, she sings, she dances, she is good at sports and gets school medals, etc., etc. etc" I could write a book.
You overflowed my cup: my parents, my teachers, my friends. Then, I moved to a new country and the same thing happened: I got good grades, created new friendships, had boyfriends that adored me, my bosses and clients appreciated me and loved my work. You can clearly see why I have Five Stars for Ego-centrism
I did have my black lagoon. My marriage had two faces. One one hand Michael always loved me, we had great adventures and we created a beautiful family. On the other hand, and I know he had no intention of this, he caused me lots of grief. If on hand he adored me, on the other he flattened me in a way that he sunk me and drowned me. Thanks to the overflow of praise and affirmations that I was filled with- how great I was, how wonderful and marvelous- I was able to endure the storm. Hadn't it been for that, I would have been sunk. I overcame the situation and I was even helpful to him on his path. I got ahead thanks to my inner strength that was always nurtured by my friends and family. Thanks again.
The Curse
To be a "show-off" is terrible. It is horrendous when people feel they are the "gran cacao" or "the last coke on the desert" (choose the appropriate slang according to your generation). The worst part is that you hardly ever notice of how arrogant you may be acting. To put a stop to this is essential. How many dictators we would have avoided had it been for less flattery and adulation!
Maybe unconsciously I needed someone to tell me so. Maybe no one ever does. Maybe if they do I don't care to hear it. Certainly, there is no one more appropriate than someone of my stature or of high respectability to speak clear to me. No one could have been better than me, myself.
The fact is that I fell flat-faced on the mud. The fall I had will be ingrained in me forever, just as my sister's Johanna's nails in my skin after a fight when we were kids. As a good animal that I am, I'll never forget scratches and pinches my sister gave me. : )
The Fall
The story of my fall, of how Rennea told Rennea:
"You know what? you little brat? You are not as perfect as you think you are. Find your place."
It is humiliating, long and extended, the story of this. And it can only be appreciated by my personal acting and mannerisms, a direct and confidential performance of the facts. (which is now funny because it is over) Is not a good blog material. So if interested you have to ask me personally for this tale.
A Happy Ending
The happy ending consists in "and they lived ever after per secula seculorum", and that's just what I'm doing. Self-centeredness needs to be rotated and balanced every so many kilometers. It was my turn for rotation and balance.
This is helpful to grow, develop and live. To walk with confidence, head high, take risks, fail, overcome difficulties, and all this is a goal that can be reached partly because my self-esteem. If I go over and become arrogant, unconscious of others around me and vain, I could hurt people around me. Not good.
Yes, we all know this, in theory. For me the experience was more visceral, truthful and real. It was a good lesson in cosmic perspective.
Navigation Course and Perspective.
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In one hundred hours of meditation you think a lot, and feel a lot. I won't go on with more stories, this was just one of many. The one that shone through, and surprised me more. I didn't expect anything like it. I learned to trust the Vipassanna process, and my mind doesn't understand quite why or how but I deeply felt it. I noticed that maybe it does work. You can hear the skepticism in my words, that's me. But like the saying goes: "A Dios orando y con el mazo dando" - "God helps those who help themselves"
It was interesting.
I recommend it to anyone who wants to embark in that "train". Worth it!
I probably will go a third time to she what's up next.
(click here for entry about my
FIRST Silent Retreat)
