The Toad is an amphibian.
The Toad is also an experience.
This is about my Toad Adventure
Chapter 1
THE WEEK BEFORE
Below is an excerpt from a letter to my coach after about a week planning my “trip.”
"Hi Tal, I wanted to share with you something that I am going to be doing.
I have come back to SF with a certain confusion wondering, what's next? (this is a usual occurrence when I transition or I return from vacation or have a break)
I have been very reticent to re-start in "work mode" when I feel a little off-balance. I haven't unpacked yet, literally. I am feeling, where do I want to put my precious time and energy?
...
During my musings, lying in bed, talking with friends, I conversed with a very good friend, who shared his experience using Bufo Alvarius. It's a substance -medicine, sacrament, psychedelic drug, toad, sapito- derived from a toad's venom.
Immediately I thought: I want to do this. I asked him for a connection.
For years, I have thought I'd like to do an Ayahuasca ceremony or a hypnotherapy regression session, or something that digs deep. This toad seems to be an excellent method.
For the past few days, I have been learning as much as I can about it; ... I've watched several rituals being performed, and in the process, I'm getting more excited every day.
...
All this reflection and re-reading Joyous Creation and doing the exercises have brought this out.
ACTION #1- Acceptance of all things
ACTION #2- Recognizing the good
ACTION #3- Make sure I incorporate FREEDOM in all my plans
...
I intend to internalize even more: "We are all one," "we are energy," "there is no duality."
My focus- freedom, peace, and love
What I may want to let go of- judgment, guilt, selfishness.
(I feel selfish even when I am not)
There is one statement that a facilitator quoted:
"Everything will be OK as soon as you are OK with everything."
I liked that.
..
I am discussing this with people close to me.
Renie Joie will be my guardian angel while I am "gone" (there is a loss of consciousness for anywhere between 8 min and 30 min), so she will be there with my two facilitators."
I was thinking of doing a self-guided Vipassana...that was going to be extra hard. This seemed a good avenue.
Chapter 2
THE DAY BEFORE
23 de octubre de 2020
Hoy es el día anterior a una ceremonia que he preparado para mi misma. En este proceso entiendo que habrá un rompimiento de esquemas y estructuras que conforman mi pensar.
Así como la sal se disuelve en agua, dos materiales pasaran a ser uno.
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| these birds |
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| have nothing to do |
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| with my story except that... |
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I found them under Pattern Integrity- read on
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Hay un concepto de Buckminster Fuller, loco, genio, inventor, humanista del siglo pasado. La frase no la consigo pero la esencia era que,
Al igual que un nudo sobre una cuerda es un nudo, un patrón, una forma de organización, no importa si la cuerda es de mecate, algodón, nylon, o espagueti. Un nudo es un nudo que puede atravesar cualquier medio. Así somos nosotros, una organización molecular, una forma de ser, un patrón único el cual podemos reconocer y hacerle honor pues es una fórmula única.
Al mismo tiempo, somos lo mismo que todo el universo, las personas, las plantas, las rocas y el océano.
Mi experimento tomando este catalizador es, por un momento, liberar esa organización a la cual estoy acostumbrada ha ser y diluirme en el todo.
Escribí- Freedom Peace and Love como mi intención.
Para darle más ceremonia a mi experimento, le daré un nombre: Renee, mi nombre Rennea, renacer.
Este vehículo ya comenzó a hacer su efecto en el momento que el concepto lo hice palabra, o lo escribo, o lo pienso.
Un patrón diluido en el medio, el nudo desecho, es un concepto que conozco intelectualmente.
Esta experiencia le da estómago a algo que mi cabeza sabe.
Es como una unificación de los chacras.
Estoy muy emocionada. Woohoo!
Ah! Conseguí un lugar donde lo explican. Se llama Pattern Integrity y pueden leer una reseña aquí.
Chapter 3
HOURS AFTER
I’m sitting on a bench in front of a window overlooking the magnificent sunset over the Pacific ocean.
This is what I see from top to bottom in horizontal planes:
The sky
The sun
The fog
The dunes
The mudflat
The inlet
The mudflat again
The deck of the boat-house
The parking lot
The deck of the house
The window
The bench
The skirt
The notebook
Chapter 4
A DAY LATER
(MIXED WITH THE SECOND DAY LATER)
I'm not going to embellish the experience.- but I already did.
Just the act of writing after is an embellishment itself- a vehicle I use to explain what my feeling-thoughts were.
AQUARIUS PROLOGUE
I had heard other people's stories, and I produced a fantastic flight that went beyond boundaries, adding imagination to others' tales.
I was going on a trip like the Fifth Dimension singing Aquarius- “When the moon is in the seventh houuuuuuse, and Jupiteeee-er liiiiiies wi-ith maaaa-ars” Please watch the one minute clip- the outfits count to explain what I was thinking!**
**If any of you reading this went to school with me, you know I would sing this song in our school assembly and changed the words to fit our school: "Everyone works together to make Merici (our school) much better and to live in love forever as we learn to live together, Aquarius ..."
TO SWIM OR NOT TO SWIM, THAT IS THE QUESTION
The day was on its way to being warmer, but still coolish.
We were sitting in the sand facing the gorgeous Pacific Ocean
with its glass-top look-of-the-day.
The kind of flat water that invites to swim.
But I was going into another “pool” so the ocean would have to wait for later.
Immersion started as I lay down under the overcast sky.
ALIVE
My experience was very grounded.
I was in touch at all times with my duality:
Me and the world,
and the flies,
and the birds,
and the breeze,
and the sand under my body,
and the welcoming shade.
LOVING KINDNESS
I was facing up.
Fog lifted.
The sun came out.
My helpers shaded me so I’d be more comfortable.
That simple act of kindness opened up a happy-tears faucet in me:
I'm BLESSED!- I felt
my throat tightened,
my eyes swelled up with tears,
my mouth did weird contortions
my first whine came out, like the birth of a baby
I was happy,
moved,
feeling loved,
cared for
and when I’m this happy
I cry.
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Roy Lichtenstein knows about happy tears.
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PARENTHESES
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| Substitute bed for Mexican blanket. |
If you want a quick recount,
imagine Rennea crying like a baby for 20 minutes on a blanket under the sun. DONE!
You can skip the rest.
PERMISSION
I felt-saw-imagined* being a turtle and carrying all the weight of the world on top of my already heavy shell.
I wanted, and I thought, and I needed - to shake it off.
It is not my burden to carry.
I am not responsible for this.
I can get rid of this weight.
I was asking permission to take it off.
Do I have permission to do it? Do I?
(Catholic guilt coming through)
All this made me cry, not whimpering but a real-real cry-cry.
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I did not look this pretty : )
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ANTICIPATION
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| The Monk By The Sea (1808) Capspar David Friedrich |
At the same time, I would be asking myself,
“When will I disappear?”
(Remember, I was expecting to dissolve into the Universe).
“When will the fusion start and I stop being here?”
“Breath breath… It’s coming” I told myself
BATALLA CAMPAL- OPEN BATTLEFIELD
Instead,
I feel the fly in my upper lip standing and fighting with another fly who wanted the same spot,
probably to drink the little beads of sweat that spring up on my upper lip.
(Those who know me well have seen my sweaty mustache here and there)
ERASE
During the “wait for the show to start,” I felt-saw-remembered* Rennea, the same as you see in the picture above.
There was no image in anything I describe- everything is feelings-thoughts-intuition. Hard to explain. But for the purpose of my story the picture gives you an idea.
A 10-year-old skinny with long blonde straight hair. She is, wearing her hot pants and the orange long-sleeve sweater that she loves. The shoes have a small heel, and that is important. She is happy.
I remembered how happy I’ve been.
I’ve received love always,
all my life, non-stop.
I celebrate this. — more weeping.
Flies are not around anymore.
THEN
I wished for the removal of all her labels or future predictors. Please archive.
These pointers had their utility, they were a rudder that helped her arrive to where she is today and now she needs some open space.
ARCHIVE:
pretty,
hard-headed
intelligent,
good swimmer,
good reader,
vain,
selfish,
responsible,
helpful,
friendly,
silly,
strong,
brave,
too skinny,
un sentimental,
independent,
favorite,
talks too much,
never scared,
funny,
fast runner,
always first base,
safe,
curious,
pigeon chest,
a clown,
a piñata stick,
naive,
know-it-all,
etc. etc.
ERASE REBOOT RESTART- Let her re-start with her optimized and updated operating system. She will be retrieving what she needs. Fresh start.
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Sniff sniff!
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SURRENDER AND ACCEPTANCE
So I’m still waiting for this non-dimension to occur, and I think:
“Rennea, you are hard to break-in.
Come on! Surrender once and for all!
Remember what Tony said, surrender to the light.”
I almost started to sing: “let it go, let it go!!!” but I never learned that song except for that refrain.
I may sound stupid. (Obviously vanity not erased)
Also, I don’t see that light that Tony mentioned.
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no light
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I open my eyes and see the feet of my helpers holding the shade over my head, and I say to myself:
“Rennea, Have some compassion, look at them, holding the shade over you. You should just get up, now.”
And at the same time.
“Rennea, this is your time. You don’t need to be embarrassed if they are standing and shading you. You are the queen today. This is your experience. They want to do this for you, and it is all right for you to accept their kindness. Let it be .... keep crying all you want.”
So I kept crying.
And it felt good.
LOVE
I felt vulnerable, taken care of, loved, and held.
I allowed their gift: The care for me.
(Progress).
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| Love |
Renie Joie caressed my back and I laid my head on her lap.
I saw a bird flying.
The bluest sky.
Perfect balmy coolish northern California coast weather I’ve learned to love.
and of course….
I wept some more
PER SECULA SECULORUM
I never lost consciousness.
It seemed I cried forever.
In front of people
who have no clue what I’m going through.
All the while
I felt safe with them.
I BAPTIZE YOU…
For me, the toad was perfect
I experienced clarity and the release of a great number of tears : )
(and therefore energy)
Re- neé - Rennea - Reborn
It had comparable effects to the Vipassana (10-day silent retreat)
but in just 10 minutes (maybe twenty)
I know the toad will be having a lasting impact.
-
It'll be registered in my list of cathartic/enlighting moments,
with a name coined by Tony-man as
Toad-assana
croak (sound effect)
Hoping that the next time Toad-assanna takes place in
Todasana
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Todasana, Venezuela
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